Living With Anxiety

slice-of-life_individualI have never considered myself an anxious person. Just like I didn’t consider myself a person with OCD tendencies, which the pizza post proves!

Every February is hard for me because it brings back a memory I wish I never had. My son was 18 months old. My in-laws have been wonderful to us and offered to watch our kids so that my husband and I didn’t have to pay for daycare. During this time we were living with them because we had just sold our house within a week and didn’t have a plan of where to go next.

It was a Friday afternoon and I was stopping by the bank after school. I was on the phone with one of my girlfriends and was receiving a call from my in-laws. I didn’t answer it. I had just spoken to them and I figured it was about what we were having for dinner. I said to myself, “I will call them back.” Then my phone rang again. Voicemail this time. I said goodbye to my girlfriend and checked my voicemail.

I can still remember the calm panic on the other end of the phone. It was my father-in-law. “Carson has had a seizure. He is okay, but the ambulance is here and we are taking him to the hospital. Call me back.” The 2 mile drive to my in-laws on a camp road never seemed so long.

I cried, I sped, I screamed. I don’t know how I made it there safely. As I turned the corner before their house I saw the ambulance. My heart sank. No one wants to see that vehicle parked in their driveway.

I swear I didn’t even have the car put in park before I unbuckled and swung the door open. I ran to the back of the ambulance hysterical. There was my 18-month old. Strapped down in the back of the ambulance not coherent. The paramedics put me in the front seat and tried calming me down.

I remember driving too fast for comfort, listening to the sirens of the emergency vehicle and just asking questions to the driver about how my son was doing. I made the mistake of asking if he stopped breathing and she told me that he did for a little while. Finally, 6-7 minutes into our drive I finally heard my son let out a cry. I never felt so thankful to hear that sound!

After tests were done, we found out that he had pneumonia and the seizure was due to a spike in his fever. We took him home that night and I watched him sleep. The next day we tried to keep his fever down and before we had gotten the 2nd dose of medicine into him he went into another seizure. I froze. He was sitting in his high chair eating lunch and I couldn’t get him out. I felt helpless as I screamed to my mother-in-law asking what was happening. Thankfully she was able to get him out and lay him on his side. The seizure didn’t last long but when it was over his body was so tired. He was limp and barely awake.

That was the last time he has had a seizure. But from that moment on I have been a nervous wreck about my children getting sick. If they have a fever or even a cough I start to feel sick to my stomach. I worry that the worse is going to happen to them. Most of my thoughts and worries are absurd but I can’t help to think of the series of events our family went through that day. I am not sure if I will ever overcome this anxiety I feel with sickness, but I have a great support system (my husband) who is with me every step of the way.

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Published by

mmatticek

I am a Kindergarten teacher and mother of 2. I also have a little hobby of making signs during my "free time". I have never blogged before and am anxious to see how this goes!

11 thoughts on “Living With Anxiety”

  1. No one tells you that when you become a mother, the world will suddenly be a much scarier place! Every time I heard of someone else’s child becoming ill or injured I was haunted by images of my own children in their place. I found meditating and reminding myself, “This is a thought, not reality. This is a thought and thoughts can be changed.” was a huge help. The thoughts don’t go away even when your child moves away, but that’s part of being a mommy I guess! You are an awesome mommy, Meg!! Hugs to you!

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    1. Yes Paula! Someone once told me about how to try and calm my anxiety by repeating to myself that what I am thinking isn’t reality and just a thought. I have to keep practicing that! 🙂

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    2. You are very lucky to have family that can help raise your children…the grandparents! When Cassie (1st child) went off to college her first year she had the flu really bad. I felt so bad that I couldn’t drop everything and go down (3 and 1/2 hours away) and give her the mommy touch. I had to let her work through it. Her basketball coach and teammates took care of her (her family away from home)!

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  2. Thank you for sharing a scary, honest story. My kids are grown now but a mom’s worry never goes away. It takes a village is my mantra. We’ve also stayed with in-laws and had grandma as our #1 babysitter. It’s still hard being parents but it does make it a little easier.

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    1. Not at all Sally. I wish I could have prepared for how stressful and scary being a mom would be. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. It certainly does take a village! 🙂

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